it is cold and my head hurts.
tell me what better way to end the day.

school sucks.

what is love without hate?
what is abstinence without addiction?
what is pain without pleasure?
what is gone when you never had?
what is everything when you had nothing?
what is the truth when there are no lies?
what am i when there's no you?

too much hormones and unwanted images keep popping into my mind when i dont seem to need it.
and cause of it.
someone thinks that i cant control myself.
its not true.
i just cant control my hormones.


"and you are by my side.
we're talking about our lives.
like we've known each other forever.
time flies by.
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise.
with the end surely near."


oh hello varien.
its nice to see you again.
after so long.
and it was a nice talk too.

"and if i could only stop the car and hold on to you.
and never let go.
i'll never let go."


and i talked to jared too.
and i wanna tell him not to worry.
that everything will take its place.
i can only pray for him and hope that he'll do well in his exams.


he's not the only one doing his exams.
so i'm praying for all.

so i'm not going to talk to him tonight.
and the rest of the week.
so that he can just study.
but somehow.
i dont think he will.
king of headaches.
i think he can handle it.
so when i say that i'm not going to do it.
means i'm not going to do it.


i got so much i want to say.
but this is all i want to say to you

"why dont we hit restart?
and pause it at our favourite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes."

everyone say hello to my DONG friend called nick.
and i see him every monday for biochem.
and he has been my saviour even though his ego is just about as huge and a t-rex.
but he makes me happy when my brain cells are dying.
thank you my DONG friend.
who taught me the joys of wikipedia.
to know the meaning to words like DONG and BUGGER.
you rock.



i'm off to the library later.
and get as many notes as i can.
so that i can get through my semester knowing what is going on.
at least i got dunfu to accompany me.
thank you thank you!



i dont know if i can tahan or not.
not being on the phone.
but hey.
if i've been through months not talking on the phone.
i think a few days will be just fine.
i know it will be.


it just isnt the way you think it is.
that wasnt the reason why we broke up.
there were more than one reason.
and i just feels that you should know about it now.
just not yet.

i've lost all sense of time.

trust me.
its not a good thing.

so i'm completely blur.
i dont know what i want or need to do.

so much for my decision yeah?
gosh.
i need a drink to totally knock myself out.

A IS FOR ANATOMY!

i'm a happy camper now.
my first A of the semester.

BANGBANG.

i think it need to say this one every week.

BIOCHEM IS KILLING MY BRAIN CELLS.

its like a machine gun.
and it goes like.
shooting down all my brain cells.
and they're all dying.
dying.
a painful and miserable death.

making a decision is one thing.
but to go about carrying ti out.
its another different thing.
this sucks.

dancing made everything feel better again.
it doesn't matter that i didn't talked to anyone.

but it was nice to dace and to feel again.
i forgot what i was missing.
nothing matters more when you feel your heart thumping against your chest.
when all you can hear is the sound of your breath.
the need to feel and to express yourself.

yeah.
its what i needed all this while.


i'm off to mass later.
at good shepard.
and i need someone to follow me there.


i'm sorry.
for bothering you.
i shouldn't.


great.
loading my mind with things all over again.
i should stop.
so i guess.
i should do something to get things off my mind.
its better this way.

i'm crying so bad that i dont seem to know why.
it just seems to be so difficult.

a total upsurge of emotions.
and i cant take it in.
not at all.
but i guess its just something that i have to do alone.
its better this way.

so what makes it right to do something?
seriously.
when you think that that there is nothing wrong with it?
when you weigh the pros and cons of something and and cons dont seem to exist?
or is it right when is simply not wrong.
so what is it that makes something right?

what makes something wrong?
when it goes against someone's morals and ethics?
but what if its only one person thinking that way?

define right and wrong.
if everything else can be defined.
why not that?
if its only morals and ethics to tell you so.
so what happens when they get thrown out the door and never entered the picture?
the definition would just drop dead and die.

when something you do goes against your morals and no one elses, does that make it right or wrong?
wrong because its not right to everyone else?
do you still go ahead and do it?

you go and do something you think is right.
but everyone else tells you its wrong to do such a thing.
would you still think that you did the right thing after that?
will you still stand by your decision?

its all the grey areas i suppose.
thats why.

nothing is is entirely right or wrong.
when you can justify it.

but think about it.

what makes an action or a decision right or wrong?



even thinking about it for the whole bloody day doesn't seem to give me an answer.
and i hate it when stupid questions like these pop into my mind and i'm unable to answer them.


somethings never change.
i still can't believe at after so long.
you're still so hung up on him.
he isnt the only one for you.
but you can't seem to see that.
maybe i'm just assuming.
and maybe i'm just wrong.
but from what i see and what i know.
its him alright.
but can you be sure that he'll be the one making you happy when he hurt you so damn badly in the first place?
i can't do anything.
i can't make decisions for you.
so all i can do is tell you this.
what ever decisions you make.
i'll be here for you.
and if you fall.
i'll be there to catch you.
when all you see is darkness.
i'll be the one holding you hand to the light.
thats what i'm willing to do for you.
cause you're my friend.
and i love you.
so all the best in that you think its right.
and stand by your decision.
no one ever said that relationships are easy.
but if love and trust is the foundation.
i'm sure that everything will be just fine.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUDREY!

i dont have a pretty picture with you.
but here it goes.
i love you sweets.
and i missed you.
cause i havent seen you for a damn long time.
but i know you're still there no matter what.
kudos for constantly being there!

LOVE YOU LONG TIME!

i am going to lose 5 kg the next time i see sean.
cause its degrading for guys to poke at my fats and tell me that i am fat.
i know i've gained weight.
so its time to lose it.



i dont see your point in asking so many questions.
when i see no need to answer them.
you kept forcing out an answer from me.
can't you see that i didnt want to tell you to protect you?
but you doubted me.
so now there's no trust?
there's no point if theres no trust.

i just realised one thing;


WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.




so what happens next?

THATS WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU.

i think its time to write a tribute to my dear friend.

SHABIN MICHAEL.
who has been there for the past 5 years.
and if it wasn't for him.
i wouldn't have survived church, hook-ups, break ups and all that crap that has happened to me all the time.

i know that its been kinda out of the way.
i hardly see him.
but when i do.
he gives the best-est hugs anyone has given me that i actually have to breathe.

he's going to be the god parents of my kids.
and i'm going to be the godparents of his.

although we dont talk on the phone with each other like we used to.
the bond is still there.
like how he knows i'm feeling like crap the moment he looks at me.
and he makes me laugh.
he doesn't judge but he accepts.

any girl would be happy to have someone like him.

he picked me up from bottomless pits.
he's like an overprotective parent.
telling me not to get into relationships.
but when i do.
he doesn't mind and tells me to be careful in whatever i do.
and after the break up.
he'll still be there.
saying "see la! tell you not to get a boyfriend!"
but i know that he still means well.

its like he's been there for me more than i've been there for him.
but he still remembers me by sending random messages that make my day.

he never forgets.
thats what i love about him.

and i remember giving him presents that he still keeps until now.
and i still have the note he wrote me from Celebration Of Friends.
and i still have the only gift he's ever given me.
and i dont wear it cause i dont want to dirty it.
and its still there.

and i cant be happier with a friend like him.
because of everything he is.
my BESTFRIEND.


and i pray that nothing will ever take that away.

if there is anything that year ones of RP should learn.
is how not to embarass your damn school.

1) dont crowd the damn MRT station that the station officer has to chase you out.
get the damn fact that maybe you can go to school alone instead of waiting for people to go with you.
or be the late one so that pople will actually wait for you.
idiots.

2) dont bloody hell make out infront of the damn school la.
like you want people to see you tonguing your other half.
have the bloody decency to do it behind closed doors.

3) please follow the road rules.
if the green man has stopped showing.
maybe its time you stopped crossing the damn road especially when there are huge buses or lorries waiting to start their engines and bang you down with no mercy whatsoever.

4) dont think you're high and mighty.
no one will remember your face unless you're drop dead gorgeous.
which you're not.

5) don't squeeze into the fucking lift!
there are four per block mind you!

this is how much i hate the bloody school.
thats why i'm typing this.

if you're in the school.
at least not make a fool out of yourself.
cause anyone might guess that an idiot carrying a laoptop in woodlands comes from RP.

do you know,
i'm here in the dark.
and i've been falling from the start.
do you know,
i'm here in the dark.
can't you see i'm falling apart.

its getting so stable that i dont know what to say about it.
somehow it feels right just being like this.
but somehow.
i dont want to become the person i hate the most.
but now,
i'm out to get what i want.
because i dont want to settle for second best.
and i think its time that everyone get what they deserved.
i believe in that.

BIOCHEMISTRY IS KILLING MY BRAIN CELLS!

fashion bar tomorrow.
and bbq on wednesday.
school life is great!

so its one commitment down.

life's getting back on track.

so its a talk about what i really wanted and being stuck with what i'm contented with.
but what happens if everybody got what they wanted in life?
will there still be complications?

example;
she's wanted him for the longest time.
but all she has now is someone not even close.
will she sacrifice everything to get the person she wated most or sacrifice what she wants to stay with that someone she already has so as not to break his heart.

i hate problems and complications.
i'm serious.
but if that was me.
i think i wouldnt know what to do.
i wouldnt know who to give up.
i'm sure everyone says to go and get what you want cause it will make you happy.
but then what about the someone you're with?
sacrifice him?
for yourself?
for what you want?
is it right?
yeah.
i guess thats the ultimate question.
is it right?
that you go breaking someones heart so as to get what you want to make yourself happy and make someone else miserable.
you call that morally right?
or did you leave your morals for good?


im so sick its not even funny.
it hurts to even breathe.
its like a knife stabbing me over and over again.
i couldn't even get out of bed.
now nessa, go land yourself somewhere you hate the most.
and not work at all.
i bet you're going to be terminated.
for no show.


school is starting soon.
first lesson of the whole academic year,
biochemistry.
hopefully i can understand whats going on during class.
just hopefully.


so i went back to church last saturday.
but i felt like an alien.
yeah.
like i know nothing about whats going on.
jared was being the sweetheart as usual.
amanada and audrey functioned as normal.
yeah.
everyone and everything can function without me.
so its okay.
i should just be a good catholic and go for mass.
and be a saturday catholic.
i can't be who i used to be.
because i've got too many committments now.
and i suck at having too many committments.
and the only way to get my life the way i want it.
it to take it a step at a time.


i dont derserve all the blame.
you know i dont.
the ony way it failed was cause it wasn't meant to be.
and you know it.


coffeebean bbq next week.
hopefully i can go.
but i dont know how i'm going to survive.

DANCING IN THE MOON

what is it that makes a relationship totally right?

is it just the feeling that you have when you're with someone that makes you have butterflies in your stomach.
or that something about him that makes you miss him so much that you want him around 24/7?
or is it the things you're willing to do for one another?

just when i thought everything in my life was going the right way.
not crying myself to sleep any longer.
i'm finally contented with what i have.
and i'm happy with someone.

something just have to crop up.
i've neglected everything else thats improtant to me.
my family.
church.
my friends.
i've been so caught up with work.
manda was right.
coffeebean's not worht it.
for the fact that i've been working almost everyday.
lent held no meaning to me.
neither did easter.
when it all meant so much the past few years.
when i actually felt that i'm one step closer to God.
now i just feel that i'm so far away from him.
i've no no direction.
no nothing.

i'm drifting away from what i believed in.
and its not a good thing.
i don't like being lost.
i never liked being lost.
but now it just seem that i dont know what to do.

i should go back to church.
God will help me find a direction.
like he always has.
and hopefully that everything will go on track.

i like my life on track.


so please don't go thinking that i have someone else.
i never have.
so stop being paranoid and know that i love you.
it just wont be fair to you if i can't give you a hundred percent.
when you're giving me more than i can take.
another thing i dont like next to being lost is being unfair.

when you deserve someone so much better than me.

it was only when i read my diary that i realised how different i've become.

and i dont know what else to say about that.
nothing i guess.
it part of human nature for someone to change.

just wish that there are somethings that i can do over and make it right.
if only.

dont cry to me.
if you love me.
you would be here with me.
you want me.
come find me.
make up your mind.

should've let you fall.
lose it all.
so maybe you can remember yourself.
can't keep believing.
we're only deceiving ourselves.
and i'm sick of the lies.
and you're too late.

couldn't take the blame.
sick with shame.
must be exhausting to lose your own game.
selfishly hated.
no wonder you're jaded.
you can't play the victim this time.
and you're too late.

you only call me when you're sober.
you only want it cause its over.
how could i have burned paradise?
how could i?
you were never mine.

so dont cry to me.
if you loved me.
you would be here with me.
don't lie to me.
just to get your things.
ive made up your mind.

the disease is back.
i can't sleep.
and posting way to many posts for my own good.
i should off the aircon yeah?

its sad that there is no one to talk to me on the phone.

i'm not sure what it was when you kissed me on the cheek.
but yeah.
now i know.
its the first one you've given me.

its five plus in the morning and i can't sleep.
maybe i shouldn't sleep at all cause i've been sleeping for so many hours.

so don't sleep.

GOOD FRIDAY.

horrible catholics have a name, VANESSA DANIELLE LEE.

i was trying my damn hardest to go to church for mass.
but then i fell sick.
yeah.'such a horrible person i am.
i havent been to church for so long.
and i'm starting to feel detached.
i miss the people there.
i really do.
i guess thats what i get for piling myself up with work like nobody's business.

i havent been around the whole of lent.
i guess i'll only be able to get back to church when i start school and move away from work a little bit.
i just need to rush for work now cause when school starts.
i wont have any money to spend.


yeah.
its time i got back to church la.
i dont want to lose my faith at all.
but i know i'm drifting far from it now.
and its not even a good thing.
its good friday and i'm not in church.
and its not raining.
like it always does on good friday.
an indication that GOD is crying.
but its not the way at the moment.

i guess its time for me to see the light.

my baby has his off day today.
and i'm off to work later.
with emy!
mummy is off too.
so yeah.
i think i woke up super early today.
waking up to so many messages.

so i decided to wake up early.
so i can take my medicine.
yeah
do what i need to do on my com and rest.


its been too boring to blog now.
and i'm serious about it.
i think something exciting has to happen.


but i was happy to talk to my friend.
yeah.
once again from the top.

if i told you what i wanted and what i needed.
i cannot forgive myself for it.
cause of all the sacrifices that i'll have to make just to do this.

fuck.

its time i get rid of complications.

there's nothing more to make my day than to see your message and telling me that you love me.

and there's nothing more than to see you blaming yourself for everything that's happened. and killing yourself.

i can never really leave.
i can never really let go.
a part of me still needs you.
and a part of me just wouldn't let go.


you never really could forget about everything that happened.
you've never let me down.
cause i refuse to believe that.

and all i had to do was to compromise in order for me to feel better.
for me to move on as much as i can.
but i can never really, fully get away from you.

and its all cause of last december.


so i'm working six days a week for the third week in a row.
i can forget about rest.
and my trips to the zoo.
and just get my loads of pay.
better still if i have to work seven days a week.

you can choose not to reply.
but we know what i had to go through just to get to here.


and it almost cost me my sanity.

pet's watching over you for me.